Jonathan Ong's Blog

The purpose of my creeping was not to actually get girls, but to have fun. It’s fun to joke around and mess with people. It’s fun to feign affection for others when most of the time you lack any thereof. It’s fun to see a odd smile on a girl’s face, though I know my limits and try not to actually piss everyone on. This is until everything backfires.

But it’s like how the saying goes: it’s only fun until someone gets hurt. It’s fine to joke around, but if you joke around too much, you’ll be stuck in the apathetic mentality and don’t realize the issues that arise. You’ll be branded a person who is never serious and will then never be taken seriously. Apparently when I was actually trying to be a creeper, I also developed a poker face. I would try to tell people truths, but they weren’t sure if I was joking or not. Sometimes when I’m telling a joke, they’ll take it seriously because they don’t know that I’m still in my joking mode.

Then there’s a law of probability. If you apply for 1000 jobs, there’s a good chance you’ll get at least one offer. Similarly, if you hit on 1000 girls, there’s a good chance you’ll get one, regardless of how awesome of a person you are. This in itself is not a problem, but combined with a poker face, this could be a grave problem. The girl that likes you might just because she thought you were serious when you weren’t, and the girl that you actually like might not think about you that way because she thought you were joking when you weren’t.

And so I decided to change my ways: I only creep on girls who I know will deny me because that way no one will get hurt and girls who I may be interested in because then there’s no risk. And now I have to work on how to convey the messages I wish to send with minimal transmission loss, a grave problem for me since my messages are best understood through keyboards. I still will write articles on how to be a creeper if people are interested. Let me know if you are.

For years, my sister has been calling me self-absorbed. Today, I finally decided to stop being so self-absorbed and actually look up the definition of self-absorbed and concluded that yes, I am kind of self-absorbed. But why does self-absorption have a negative connotation?

Mirriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary:

absorbed in one’s own thoughts, activities, or interests

Was there ever a successful man who wasn’t absorbed in one’s own thought, activity, and interest? This is how you become successful: to keep thinking and building an idea until it manifests into reality. What is the alternative? Absorbed in someone else’s thoughts, activities, and interests? Should I live vicariously through someone’s life? Maybe watch some Jersey Shore or all of these retarded MTV shows? Nothing ever gets done if you are absorbed in other people’s lives.

But who cares what the dictionary says. What do people think self-absorption is?

Urban Dictionary Definition 1:

A person who cannot stop thinking about themselves, and constantly reminds all others around them of their good and bad qualities.

I don’t typically think of myself, I think of ideas and concepts. I do however remind everyone of how creepy I am.

Urban Dictionary Definition 3:

Simply stated, it is an individual that is so consumed with their own selves that they become oblivious to, nor do they care how their actions or words impact others.

One should never be oblivious, but caring is different. You can’t always care about how your actions will impact others because someone’s always going to get hurt. You can’t limit yourself to peer pressure, and in fact you shouldn’t let anything limit you.

Then there’s the personality type definition which is extreme and doesn’t apply to people’s perception of “self-absorption”:

does things primarily for the benefit of themself, puts their feelings first, can’t do anything when they don’t feel good, swayed by their emotions, more concerned with themself than others, prefers personal glory over team victories, pleasure seeker, uses their looks to get what they want, gets angry when they don’t get what they want, dramatizes their suffering, wealth seeking, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic

Yeah, for sure I’m not this type of self absorbed person. The point is that it’s okay to be self-absorbed, but like everything, it must be in moderation.

1. Your gun is at most two feet away from your bed.
2. There is a snap cap inside your gun at all times, if not live ammunition.
3. There’s never nothing in your hand, because if one hand’s empty, it’ll be holding your gun.
4. You actually like smelling grease.
5. You carry it around the house at all times, moving into every room and around every corner as if there could possibly be an intruder.
6. When you see an ambulance, you wonder, “I wonder if he got shot.”
7. When you see something small in a distance, you wonder if you can hit it from where you’re sitting/standing.
8. Every time you go out, you wonder if you should bring it and ask your friends if you should.
9. There’s no longer such thing as dollars or cents, only how many rounds of ammunition.
10. You walk at all times as though you are holding a pistol with two hands.
11. Your only goal in working out is to shoot your guns better.

Many of my friends or acquaintances ask me, “Jon Ong, why are you such a creeper?” In short, the answer to this question is: I’m a little socially retarded, probably due to the awkwardness of my parents, specifically my dad. He is blunt and has no manners, which, for the most part, rubbed off on me in lieu of my mom’s futile attempt to counteract. I try to compensate, but for the most part don’t care.

I wouldn’t say I’m totally socially retarded since I still have friends who are fun and aren’t addicted to drugs, games, or some other useless “hobbies” and have some sort of career path. By socially retarded I mean I lack the ability to discern specific emotions and reactions. This is a by product of my emphasis on efficiency and honesty over other people’s and my own feelings and emotions. I honestly don’t understand many emotions such as regret, jealousy, and anger. Thus, I avoid giving people emotion advice and support since to me the solution to almost any dramatic situation is simple, though when I do, people always wish they listened instead of acted on their retarded emotions.

I’m never sure if and when people are annoyed or mad at me, but I also don’t really care. My high school teachers viewed my personality as arrogant, but I’ve also never looked up “arrogant” in the dictionary. I use my creepiness to test my friends boundaries, but so far I haven’t reached it. Everyday I wonder if it’s because I’m still an amateur creep or if they are actually my friends. I also wish I knew if girls were interested or not because I usually figure it out way too late.

A very recent example of my creepiness and social retardedness is when I stepped on a toe nail and spent 20 minutes at the hospital soaking my foot in a bucket of solution. Here’s what I tweeted and wrote on my Facebook status afterwards since you don’t get reception in hospitals unless you have Verizon (slightly edited for grammar and specificity):

My dad’s nurse said, “Let me show you my daughter. We decided to hook you two up when she gets older, but you have to wait because she’s only 14.” At first I was like, “Uhhh…” But then she showed me her daughter’s picture on her Blackberry and then I was like, “Okay, maybe.”

During this occurrence, my only thoughts were along the lines of:

Did a mother seriously just try to pimp out her 14 year old daughter to someone 7-8 years older than her?

A nurse WOULD try to pimp her daughter to her doctor’s son.

Why is my dad talking to other people about my non-existent love-life?

Why would a white girl date a bald Asian guy? Gold digger.

However, it didn’t register as creepy until I received the following Twitter reply:

TWeienC @jongleberry I know you pride yourself on your creepiness, so I’m reluctant to compliment you on it, but that was a Top 10 Creepy. Congrats.

I suppose that this is creepy, but neither I nor the nurse thought it was creepy at the time. All she did was smile since she took it as a compliment. Obviously she was seeking a compliment since she wanted to show me her daughter’s picture in the first place. I don’t think I’m going to show a picture of my daughter to any male… haven’t decided on lesbians yet. All I saw was a skinny white girl in a purple dress smiling, so, hey, she might have potential!

We all know you secretly daydreamed about Emma Watson before she turned 18, the only difference being I never thought about taking off that purple dress. I don’t even know how her legs compare to Emma Watson’s (I admit, I probably DID look like a creepy looking for a picture of Emma Watson at It’s a Grind). But holy crap Emma Watson is hot! I wish I went to Brown…

And by now you’re probably thinking, “Wow Jon Ong, you’re starting to write a little bit creepy!” But that’s because I actually am. You see, what I have is a social strategy: my weakness is that I am slightly socially retarded and slightly creepy, so I over-exaggerate my creepiness to turn it into a strength. Instead of being a creepy loner, I’ve grown relationships with girls who let me bite their shoulders and lick their faces and guys who actually read this crap. I’ve turned my awkwardness into ice-breakers and victim-more humor. If I didn’t over-exaggerate my creepiness, I’d have a lot less friends, though sometimes I do wish I was a creepy loner who stayed at home all day and played with Legos.

TL;DR – We all have weaknesses, but most people haven’t figured out how to use their weaknesses to their advantage.

• Girls who wear too much make up. Come on do you really need that much? Are you that insecure with yourself? Do you have to rely on something as trivial as makeup to feel more secure instead of something like… improving your talents? I don’t think most girls need foundation everyday, and wearing makeup everyday is a perpetual cycle. It’s going to ruin your skin, requiring you to wear even more make up in the future. It’s especially disgusting when you notice the “tan line” created by the make up.
• People who don’t know when to shut up. No, silence isn’t awkward, it’s only awkward when you make it awkward… by not keeping the silence. I’m one of those people who need peace and quiet every now and then. If I’m not talking then I’m probably not in the mood to talk (or just can’t think of anything clever to say).
• People who try to hang out with someone every day. I don’t have to be the one being asked and it’s still annoying. If you have to ask someone to hang out very frequently, chances are you aren’t very high and their list of priorities.
• Unbelievably happy people. There is no possible way that any human being on Earth can be that genuinely happy. It does not compute; we’re on God’s forsaken Earth. It’s a real life Coraline. The only possible explanations are alternative motives and extreme nativity.
• Unnecessary laggards. I don’t mind waiting, but what am I waiting for? For you to put on make up so you can look worse? For you to watch 5 more minutes of TV? Holy crap be considerate.
• Unnecessary liars. When I ask “Are you on the way?”, you don’t have to tell me you’re closer than you really are. If you lie, lie strategically, not trivially.
• People who don’t understand the concept of “Slower Traffic Keep Right” (and in general don’t know how to drive correctly). I don’t mind if you drive slow, but please don’t hold up traffic, you inconsiderate imbecile.
• People who talk and text constantly when they’re out. If you want to talk to them so much why don’t you hang out with them instead of me?